Everyone’s favorite bigots, the Westboro Baptist Church, are at their shenanigans again. They recently announced a host of dates in their must-see epic “God hates America” tour. The tour will be going on throughout the month of May, and with a little luck, perhaps they are coming to a town near you.
One of the locations announced as a prime target for the WBC is The University of Alabama. You know, the Alabama Crimson Tide (Roll Tide!). The reasoning behind the picketing is that God is punishing Tuscaloosa, as obviously proven by the devastating F4 tornado that ravaged the town two years ago. The date is symbolic; the WBC plans to be on hand to demonstrate around graduation ceremonies, pointing out that “God’s punishment” caused them not to go forward two years ago, and He will surely strike again. But why would God punish them? Well, evidently, the WBC thinks that Alabama is one of many places in America that has become too tolerant of alternative lifestyles.
We at Common Sense Conspiracy have to blow the whistle here! Huh? They think ALABAMA is tolerant of, well, anything. There are many things in this world that are uncertain, but one thing we can say for sure: barring a federal, military-backed mandate, the states of Alabama and Mississippi will never, ever, never approve gay marriage. Hell, these two states are the very heart of the “Bible Belt” and they have more votes on whether residents should be allowed to play bingo then they do any real political issue. If the WBC thinks that Tuscaloosa was punished by God for being “too tolerant” of homosexual activities, then by that same logic, God should have severed California from the nation, set it off drifting in the ocean, and then a comet should have struck with the the force of a 100 Hiroshima bombs. Really, Westboro? Even if you subscribe to their fruity logic, this one doesn’t make sense.
We think that the WBC is blowing smoke. The real reason they are picketing the University of Alabama is clear. Before, after, and through the tornado, Alabama’s football program has dominated the national scene. They have now won three out of the last four national championships, including two in a row the previous two years, including the year of God’s punishment. In fact, apparently God feels that the best way to get His message across is to give Alabama some sort of supernatural ability to stockpile BCS crystal balls.
Or could there be more to the story? Perhaps the Westboro Baptist Church is right. Perhaps there is something that Tuscaloosa deserves to be punished for. Did Coach Nick Saban’s enviable success come from a pact with the devil? Has he sold his soul for crystal balls? Is Satan loose in Tuscaloosa and the WBC has come to fight him off? There are plenty of people in the nation that like to change one letter of Saban’s name in jest and call him Satan. There are plenty of people that are tired of the insane dominance of Alabama football on the national scene.
Could the Westboro Baptist Church really be picketing Nick Satan?