Why Do Straight People Never “Come Out of the Closet?”

Oh, you silly damn straight people...
Oh, you silly damn straight people…

Okay, so every once in a while, Common Sense Conspiracy does stray from the hard-hitting conspiracy news and kind of figuratively let our hair down for a minute.  So, this article is one of our patented “I wonder why that is” articles.  There may or may not be a conspiracy here, so bear with us.

The subject of this particular article is why heterosexuals never publicly “come out of the closet” so to speak?  Why is there never front page news because a man or woman felt the burning need to declare in a public forum that they are indeed straight, they didn’t even play in the minor leagues, and they are 100% heterosexual (not that there’s anything wrong with that)?

No, really.  Why can’t we have a press conference every now and then for someone coming out and saying they are straight?  How did homosexuality corner the market on “coming out of the closet?”

But there is a deeper philosophical message here.  As far as the gay rights movement has come over the last decade or so, the fact that there is a closet to come out of remains as probably the biggest hurdle they really need to jump over.  Are we as a society any closer to a time when there is no closet?  Is gay marriage going to change that?

The answer is no.  It won’t.  If gay marriage does go nationwide, it may be perceived as a huge victory of “equality” but it won’t change the stigma.  The closet won’t change.  It may get a little bigger.  Maybe now gay people will have a walk-in closet instead of the normal, garden-variety coat closet they hide in now.  But the door will still be closed until they open it.  And the real test of “equality” is whether it could ever be tipped the other way.

Once again, that might be a disturbing image to some, what we just said.  The true measure of equality is… inequality.  Yet, in a contorted kind of way, it is.  Will we ever live in a world where being gay is so universally accepted that it could potentially go the other way?  Will heterosexuals ever have a closet?  Will we ever see people throwing down the door to reveal that they are (gasp!) straight?

Will people ever debate whether it is a choice?  Those straight people… do they suffer from a disease?  Are they retarded?  Why do they not understand that it’s a lot more hip to like members of their own sex in “that way” than to go about their merry business populating the Earth?  After all, the gay way has a lot of advantages.  No gay person ever had to suffer through the morning after dilemma and make the precarious decision on whether to end a human’s life over an evening of sexual pleasure?  No morning after pills required.  Clear sailing.  Gay people never have to lament the contrasts of the other sex…after all, they completely understand their partners, being that they are both gay men or women.  Do gay couples have the “What-do-you-want-to-do-I-don’t-know-what-do-you-want-to-do?” three act play?

Come out and bask in the sunlight!
Come out and bask in the sunlight!

There is that pesky problem of procreation.  It’s troubling.  I mean, if the tables did turn and the homosexuals vastly outnumbered the heterosexuals (presuming that it is exactly the opposite right now), would heterosexuals “in the closet” still be able to procreate?  Would they try to pretend like they were “taking one for the team” to keep the human race going?  Or would creating a baby be the scarlet letter, the ultimate exposing of  the closet heterosexual status?

“You know what I heard?  Brad has a son.  I think he might be (hushed voice) heterosexual.”

The bottom line:  if you can’t imagine a realistic world where the party currently discriminated upon could not be the discriminating party, then equality has not been obtained.

To be truly equal, you have to at least have that capacity to be unequal.  Gay marriage may be a landmark for gay rights, but by this measure, there are miles to go.