DEA Complains It Can’t Decrypt Apple Messages — Attention Drug Dealers: Don’t Fall For It!

Come now!  They wouldn't tell us something that wasn't true...would they?
Come now! They wouldn’t tell us something that wasn’t true…would they?

Okay, preface this with our usual disclaimer.  Common Sense Conspiracy does not support or encourage the illegal drug trade.  As a matter of fact, we hold the position that people should try their best to put as few unnatural chemicals in their bodies as possible, regardless of the legal question about it.  So, don’t take the title of this article for anything more than the satire it is.  However, there is an important message for all of us buried within this text, so hang around and see.

Leaked government documents have come to light recently where the DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) openly complains that it is having trouble decrypting things sent on Apple’s iMessage service.  According to the leaked documents, the encryption Apple employs is so damn good that even the government can’t crack it.  The documents even go as far as to say that this isn’t your ordinary fly-by-night surveillance.  Even with real judge-approved warrants, the DEA still couldn’t get to the bottom of communications through iMessage.

Great news for drug dealers, right?  Now we know the best way to exchange information.  Ever watch The Wire?  Remember how the drug dealers always had to try to stay one step ahead of the cops.  Well, now it’s easy.  The DEA can’t crack iMessages, and it is openly, publicly complaining about it.  It’s so difficult that they’ve just folded up their tents and given up.  Open season for anyone that has a reason to want to pass text messages over the air without government surveillance.  I mean, it’s not just drug dealers that are benefactors… I’m thinking terrorists, pedophiles… the list goes on and on.  Good times for those on the dark side.

Of course, we’re gonna break this down a little farther.  Why on Earth would the DEA announce publicly that it couldn’t crack something as prolifically used as iMessages?  Isn’t this all just a little too easy?

Well, you heard it here first.  The DEA CAN crack these messages, but they really, really want drug dealers and everyone else out there to think that they can’t.

Are we trying to help the drug dealers and terrorists?  Of course not.  But rest assured, those that are at the top of the food chain in both of those “industries” know better than this nonsense.  We’re only illustrating a point for the rest of the American public that is not trying to communicate messages about their illegal activities.  First of all, don’t believe everything you hear.  Also, when you hear the word encryption, you should think important.  Why?  Because there are dozens of identity thieves trying to crack your information or get your credit card number.  From those people, you most certainly need encryption.  You need security.  But please don’t ever for one second think that any of these encryption protocols can stop the federal government or any franchise of it from accessing what you have to say.  Privacy simply doesn’t exist where these agencies are concerned.  That is the post-9/11 world that we live in and you had better get used to it, because with each passing year, they just move farther and farther inside our every movement and spoken (or unspoken, in this case) word.

Also, we will make one final point before we let you return to your normal programming.  Who is the chief benefactor from this news story making the rounds?  Is it drug dealers?  No way.  If they are dumb enough to fall for it, they’ll most likely be in federal prison soon enough.  Who is really benefitting?

It starts with an A and it grows on trees.