Bus driver Kenneth Sands of Seattle, Washington went on a sexual assault free-for-all on October 18 of 2011. At a volleyball game, he repeatedly molested teenage girls, touching their breasts and attempting to grab their butts even as they tried to get away from him. He was subsequently convicted of molestation charges. Sands has offered up a very reasonable defense for his actions: he was hopped up on caffeine.
Yes, you read right. Kenneth Sands has said that caffeine caused him to go on binge of molesting young women and claims that he normally does not act in this manner. Apparently on that day, Sands consumed an “excessive amount of caffeine” which had the unfortunate side effect of causing him to molest teenage girls repeatedly.
Needless to say, the jury did not accept this as a viable defense, and scientific data has never indicated that coffee or caffeine causes anything like this. As a matter of fact, coffee has a good rep in the medical journals these days, recognized for offsetting liver disease, containing huge amounts of cancer-fighting antioxidants, and even being a part of Alzheimer’s Disease treatment plans. There has never been another incident where anyone claimed that caffeine caused them to commit sexual crimes.
Sorry Mr. Sands, you’re gonna have to come up with something better than that. Hopefully a nice long prison detox of caffeine can help him rehabilitate.